Why Core Wounds Make Relationships Hard for Women

Intimate relationships are one part of life where Core Wounds play a strong role. Whether you’re seeking a relationship or currently in one, your Core Wounds impact you in ways that you need to be aware of.

Pick any TikTok video about any relationship topic—attraction factors, attachment styles, empaths + narcissists, etc.—and I guarantee that at the root, it’s a Core Wound issue.

What are the Core Wounds?

The quick explanation is, there are two Core Wounds:

• “I am Unworthy,” which exists in the Crown Chakra
• “I am Unlovable,” which exists in the Root Chakra

Think of your Core Wounds as voids where your self-love and self-worth are supposed to be filled in by a direct connection to Source, which is blocked at your Crown and Root Chakras.

Everyone is born with these Core Wounds, and our subconscious conditioning is built upon tiptoeing around them and/or trying to fill them for each other.

(If you want to dive deeper into Core Wounds, such as how you got them, I’ve got a mini course that goes into detail.)

In dating, regardless of what qualities you’re consciously seeking in a partner, your subconscious mind has its own, very short list: someone to fill the voids caused by your Core Wounds.

As a woman, your subconscious need to feel lovable can be so strong that it creates blindspots, causing you to feel attracted to people who don’t have the qualities you’re consciously seeking.

Let me tell you a story which shows a few of the myriad ways that Core Wounds impact intimate relationships. Whatever Core Wound patterns are part of the dating phase will continue in some way throughout the relationship, without intervention.

While the character in this story is fictional, she represents very real women and real experiences:

Meet Anna. She is single, and she‘s dating to find a relationship with a man. She wants to feel loved, respected, cherished and supported—to share her life with someone who treats her like she matters.

But here’s the reality that her Core Wounds cause her to create, which directly conflicts with her desires:

Anna meets a guy who seems to match what she’s looking for. They text for the next few weeks. His presence in the chat is sporadic; she wishes he’d be more consistent, but she doesn’t make an issue of it because it’s not like they have any kind of commitment. Besides, she lights up when they do talk, and they seem to have a lot in common.

Finally, he says something about getting together. She’s excited—things are moving to the next level!—and makes suggestions about when, where, and what. He replies with a half-hearted commitment: “Tomorrow evening might work. I’ll let you know how my day goes.”

Anna’s confused by his hesitation—wasn’t he the one who suggested getting together?—but agrees to that plan.

Next day, Anna waits the whole morning and afternoon for his text. She plans an outfit, works out, does her hair and makeup, cleans up her place in case they end up there. She thinks about where she might want to go for dinner if she hears from him by then.

The afternoon passes—no word. Dinnertime passes. Now Anna is just sitting around, waiting. Not wanting to miss his text. Not wanting to mess up how she looks. Not wanting to start anything she might have to drop at moment’s notice.

What this means is, Anna has done nothing all day except be on hold for this not-date. It’s like the rest of her life ceased to exist.

This story has a few possible endings:

1. Anna doesn’t hear from the guy for the rest of the night. She goes to bed feeling hurt and disappointed. When he finally texts her three days later, she lights up again and the pattern repeats from the beginning.
2. Anna gets a text from the guy around 9PM. He comes over, conversation leads to hooking up, and he ghosts her afterward.
3. They hook up and he doesn’t disappear—they actually become a thing, but the pattern continues: he only reaches out last minute, and Anna drops everything.

I’ll let you choose the ending you prefer. It has to be one of these because the story must end with the same energy it started: Anna sacrificing her worthiness for a chance at lovability.

Can you see the ways Anna’s need to feel lovable showed up? How many can you count?

She might have thought she was just “going with the flow” of the experience—but she couldn’t see that being agreeable is one effect of the Unlovable Core Wound. It can be very hard to know the difference.

This isn’t to blame Anna—identifying cause and effect isn’t the same as blaming. Because the law of our Universe is “As within, so without,” the true cause of an experience is always within the person having it.

I know many Annas—I was an Anna myself all during my marriage and for years after my divorce—and I mean no judgment or disrespect. I know how strong, determined, and capable someone like Anna is in her solo life. She has worked hard to build self-worth and achieve success in multiple sectors of her life, which adds to the heartbreak of watching her collapse it all for a chance at love.

You might be asking, “What about the guy’s Core Wounds? Isn’t he to blame for stringing her along?”

First, this isn’t about blaming him any more than it’s about blaming Anna.

And yes, his Core Wounds were part of the dynamic too, although that’s not the topic of this article. Any experience between two people who haven’t healed their Core Wounds is a dance between one’s need to feel worthy and the other’s need to feel lovable.

How can Anna change her story?

However Anna’s story ends, even if she and the guy end up together, the seed has been planted: She has reinforced the wounds that say she doesn’t get to make choices, enforce standards, or live her own life and still get to be with a guy. Every time she lets that message play out, whether with this guy or the next one, it gets stronger within her, leading to further self-compromise, confusion, and disappointment.

What if instead of continuing the pattern, Anna woke up to how her Core Wounds were misguiding her?
What if Anna healed her Core Wounds and became her own source of worth and lovability?
How would this story be different?

A woman who embodies her worth and lovability stays open to love without settling. She maintains her standards and stays true to what she desires in a partner.

She doesn’t need to instantly become the other person’s top priority, but she does require that she be one of their focused intentions, not one of their afterthoughts. She doesn’t settle for vague, last-minute plans—she recognizes that those aren’t plans at all.

Rather than shaping her availability around their whims and pleasures, she plants the seed to make sure that her needs and pleasures are also a priority for both of them.

In a universe where Anna feels lovable and worthy, here’s how the story changes:

Anna tells her potential suitor that she’s not available tomorrow but would love to get together with him the following weekend, if he suggests some definite plans they can agree on.

Until their plans are definite, she changes nothing. She keeps living her life and doing things she loves, solo and with friends.

If he protests any of this, she simply takes that as clear proof that they’re not a good match. She doesn’t have to get angry or label him as a bad person—they’re just not looking for the same thing.

If they continue dating, she gives herself plenty of time—months, not weeks—to decide whether they match well together for the long-term. She might even wait longer than before to have sex, so that the resulting oxytocin (the neurotransmitter that promotes emotional bonding) doesn’t cloud her judgment.

If they’re not a match, she stops giving him attention in any way that lets him see her as part of his roster. It wouldn’t be wrong for her to block him. If being a poor match for a relationship also means they’re a poor match as friends, then what more is there to say?

How can you change your own story?

If any part of Anna’s story felt familiar to you, then awareness is the key to changing your relationship story and find a partner who matches what you’re looking for.

Awareness makes the unconscious conscious, which enables you to choose differently.

Let’s turn that into some concrete steps:

1. Slow ALL THE WAY DOWN. Know this in advance: When someone new shows up, so will your Core Wound patterns. In dating, move slowly through the getting-to-know-you experience so that you can tell the difference between real connection and the dopamine boosts of giving and receiving attention. (Yes, giving attention is a Core Wound thing too!) If they can’t get on board with your desire to proceed slowly, then they’re not the one for you.
   
   If you’re already in a relationship, you can adapt this idea by examining the current relationship dynamics. What makes you feel truly connected with your partner? What changes could you make to feel even more connected? Have you asked for those changes—in a way that comes from your lovability, not the hurt from not already receiving them?
   
2. Notice where you’re compromising. How much of your life, your interests, your personality are you giving up for this person? Do you become a different person when they’re around (or suggest they might come around)? When do you say Yes when you really mean No, or vice versa? What would it take to change that?

Feel like there should be more steps? Trust me, these two are enough for now. Either they’ll help you make some powerful changes, or they’ll reveal that you need deeper inner work.

If awareness isn’t enough to help you change your patterns, then it may be time to heal your Core Wounds. It’s amazing how quickly relationship dynamics can change—often in a few days or weeks—when we heal these wounds directly. I’d love to help you do that and become your own source of worthiness and lovability.

Do you have a story in your life that keeps repeating and you want to know why? Share it with me, and I may use it in a future article to explore how your Core Wounds are likely to be shaping your experience.