The message that women need to make time for themselves is all over the personal development community these days. And it should be – it’s a good message.
But it’s also a tricky message – one that could be shaming or guilt-inducing for the women who most need to hear it. Because think about it: Someone who’s already feeling overwhelmed by her to-do list, and quite aware that she doesn’t get a moment to rest, is now being told that she needs to somehow fit more activities into her schedule that are just for her. One more thing she’s not doing right.
I wonder if those of us who have tried to put the message out there have looked at it that way. For my part in it, I apologize.
Some light bulbs about this went off for me the other day when Stephanie, one of the other practitioners on the Zenquility team, said something about how men actually have moments where their minds are totally blank, while women rarely or never do. My mind immediately went into wondering why that would be and what implications it would have.
Let me pause here to point out that my work – no, my FASCINATION – is with the inner workings of the human mind. I also study a lot about the balance of masculine and feminine energies, and much of my perspective is through the lens of how feminine-masculine plays a role in what I’m observing.
The typical woman carries more feminine traits than masculine. At least slightly more – it’s why she ended up in a female body. (I’m not ignoring transgender issues; that’s why I say “typical” and not “every.”) In this context, when I say “feminine traits” I speak in terms of energy – not whether she wears skirts and makeup, but energy traits like flexibility, cooperation, collaboration, beauty, connectedness, and in this case, receptivity. Feminine energy can be described as the vessel that receives masculine energy, which is not only an apt metaphor for human sexuality, but it also describes how energy works within our chakras and other places in the Universe.
The reason that women are typically more intuitive than men is because of this receptivity trait that’s stronger in us. We receive energy all the time, and as we learn how to process that energy into recognized feelings and thoughts, we earn the label “intuitive.”
(Men, on the other hand, have the giving side of that trait pair. Their minds go blank when/because they’ve run out of energy that seeks to be shared from within them.)
What hit me in my conversation with Stephanie was that if the typical woman is attuned to being receptive, then when she attempts to rest, that receptivity is still turned on. If anything, the moment she tries to quiet her mind, it allows space for her to receive MORE energy and MORE thoughts because she has no conscious activities that are blocking it.
The underlying reason why women have trouble making time for themselves is because they can’t receive without responding. That is, they can – but they don’t feel like they have permission to. A woman will finish her tasks and sit down to enjoy some quiet time, but as soon as she does, some new awareness comes to her, maybe about something else she forgot to do. And instead of honoring the quiet time she was about to create, she immediately pops back out of her chair. Does this sound like you?
Or do you not even get to the chair and the quiet time? Does the very thought of “maybe I’ll take a quick break” create a flood of new to-dos in your mind?
Is your favorite way of relaxing something mentally active, like watching movies or reading a book? There’s a good reason why you would choose these activities: The words and images are a controlled form of energy for you to receive, and the accepted way of responding to them is to stay right where you are. Movies and books give you permission to sit still – but since your mind stays active, whether they truly relax you on all levels is a question you might need to explore.
Why would a women think she doesn’t have permission to sit still? Because she is programmed with subconscious rules like “Put others first” or “You have to be a good mother.”
The most effective way, then, for a woman to make more time for herself isn’t by squeezing more activities into her already overflowing calendar, but to look deep within herself and explore what rules she’s living by.
The deepest place I know to explore is the Core Wound.
Your Core Wound was the very first “hit” to your psyche, back when you were still a child in the womb. It blocked one of your chakras and has made you feel either unworthy or unlovable all throughout your life so far. Because of your Core Wound, you have been constantly looking to others for love and validation, which also means fearing their disapproval and rejection.
If you want to have more control of your life – of how you use your time, of which thoughts you respond to – then you must get control what’s going on in the core of your subconscious mind. A good place to start is by finding out which Core Wound you have, and then taking the next steps to understand and heal it.
Then your life will truly be yours to live as you choose.