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Woman too big for a cardboard box

When You Outgrow the Ones You Love

There are a few scary things about answering your soul’s calling.

There’s the fear of failing at it. (And often the fear of succeeding at it too.)

There’s the fear that others will laugh at your big, bold idea. (e.g., “No one can make money doing that!”)

And there’s the fear that as you move forward on your path, the people you love won’t come with you. That you’ll outgrow them. That you’ll be leaving them behind.

I would love for this to be a sunshine-and-flowers article that says, “Don’t be afraid; you just need to do XYZ and everything will be OK.” But I won’t bullshit you: Sometimes people do fade away from your life as you move forward.

It’s a scary thought, I know: You look at the people around you – the ones that you swear you can’t live without, the ones that you’ve committed to be with “until death do us part,” and the ones that society says you’re supposed to stay connected to no matter what (e.g., family members) – and it’s at best weird (and at worst, painful) to imagine life without them.

I understand it because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place of feeling like certain people have gotten so negative or so stuck that I can’t possibly keep them in my life. I’ve even been on the verge of letting certain ones go, only to stopped by the question of whether they represent some lesson I’m supposed to learn; in fact, in one case I let that question paralyze me into inaction for five years.

Now that I’m on the other side of all that, I have a perspective that I hope can help you. Here’s what I’ve learned:

1) If someone’s role in your life is truly done, their leaving will happen naturally and feel like the right thing when it’s time. In fact you might not even notice until much later – like a friend that you don’t get around to calling, and next thing you know it’s been almost a year that you’ve interacted anywhere other than Facebook and you feel OK with that. (Or you might not even see their Facebook posts anymore; Facebook seems to be easily responsive to the forces at work in that.)

2) From where you stand right now, it might be hard to imagine letting anyone go from your life. That’s OK. You’re continuing to evolve, and part of what will make “the right time” the right time is that your energy, your needs, and your focus will be different. At that point, it will be a lot easier to let them go.

3) Stop and look at what’s really going on. The people who criticize you, fight you, or pull away might actually be envious of the changes that you’re making. It takes real courage to pursue your passions; not every can summon that fearlessness. And as you shine brighter, you force the people look at their own lives. That can be quite unnerving for someone who’s choosing to stay small and stuck.

4) Don’t force it. Don’t make my mistake and try to set requirements for who gets to be in your life. Because what your head thinks you need and what your soul knows you need could be very different. The person who least fits your requirements might be the one who serves your personal growth the best. A great example of this is soul mates and twin flames: Such a person is likely to be the exact opposite of you in many ways and challenge you the most. Your conscious mind who’s making the requirements isn’t going to know about the soul contract that you two have.

Finally – and happily – plenty of people stay. It’s so easy to put your attention on the people who seem to be drifting away or talking trash about the life choices that you’re making. But plenty of people will stand by your side and support everything you do. Some of the relationships you thought were doomed will find new life.

Meanwhile, your journey will bring even more people into your life who love and support you. If you choose to stay stuck because certain people in your life are also stuck, you’ll miss out on these wonderful people who are waiting to meet you and by served by you.

The best thing that you can do is step forward. Pursue your passions and become a lighter, higher-vibrating version of you. When the time comes to bid someone farewell, you’ll be able to do it with Divine Love and Grace, knowing that in the end everything will be OK.

 

 

 

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6 comments
Emily says July 1, 2013

I love this article…thank you Chris! And happy anniversary and move! Love, Emily

Reply
    Christina Ammerman says July 1, 2013

    Hi Emily!

    Thanks for the love. <3

    And back atcha. 🙂

    Christina

    Reply
KCLAnderson (Karen) says July 1, 2013

This comes at the exact right time for me. In my case, it’s my mother. She’s trashing talking up a storm and I have to say I am super proud of myself for not stooping to her level, which is what I would have done a few years ago. I am standing here firmly and (mostly) calmly as my true self, unattached to outcomes.

Reply
Christina Ammerman says July 1, 2013

Hi Karen,

I’m glad that the article spoke to you. Since I know that you’re an Enneagram 4, I’m curious about how you responded to the part about “don’t force it.” I know that tendency within myself came from my 4 nature degrading to a 1 (reformer / rules-maker) in times of stress.

Christina

Reply
Michelle says July 1, 2013

This article came at a great time for me. Thank you!

Reply
    Christina Ammerman says July 8, 2013

    Michelle, I’m glad to hear that this article is helpful for you. And I’m holding space for all of your relationships to rise to their highest potential with grace and ease.

    Blessings,
    Christina

    Reply
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