The idea of “Be My Own Soulmate” came to me at the beginning of this year when I was watching a Matt Kahn video. The thought resonates so much for me – Why would I wait around for someone else to fill that position when I know and love me best?
The day I watched Matt’s video, I wrote out the affirmation (or is it an invitation?) and tacked it to my kitchen bulletin board:
I feel like being our own soulmates is an awesome way to describe the best type of relationship we could have with ourselves. It amounts to this one idea: Love yourself the way that you’re waiting for someone else to love you.
More specifically, I’d say it means:
- Loving ourselves unconditionally – no matter what we do, say, look like, etc.
- Honoring ourselves as whole and complete on our own – and doing the work to fill in any perceived gaps so that we feel whole and complete
- Fulfilling our own needs – not waiting for an external partner, soulmate, or twin flame to come along and do it
- Being happy now
(Anything you would add? I’d love for you to post a comment when you get to the end.)
The real question is, What does that look like? Loving yourself is a lot more than meditation and mani pedis. Those are good starting points but they are not the finish line. To be your own soulmate, you’ve got to dig deep.
Exploring how to be my own soulmate while also trying to date cast a new and sometimes confusing light on the experience. What does romance look like when Jerry Maguire-esque “You complete me” moments now feel needy?
After a few months of exploring this question, I had one particular week when it suddenly all came together. As I watched what was unfolding in my life, I noticed a pattern that I could distill into the three steps of becoming your own soulmate:
Soulmate Step #1: Stop looking for love where it isn’t being offered the way you need it.
On Sunday of that week, I finally broke up with the guy that I’d been on/off with for 10 months. He was a soulmate in the sense that I’ve always defined it: I believe we have a string of people (romantic or not) who show up and trigger us to grow without knowing it. This guy was definitely that, but we were never going to have a healthy long-term relationship despite how much I liked him, and I finally accepted that.
Whenever he asked what I wanted from him, I would consistently answer “Your time and attention” – but what he was absolutely worst at giving me was his time and attention. It wasn’t just about quantity of attention: He had plenty of words of affirmation for my body (which I acknowledge I needed at first), but demonstrated not enough interest in knowing my mind or heart. I mean, come on – this is me! My mind and my heart are the best parts of me!
In the moment of telling him I was finally done, I loved myself by stopping the insane quest for attention in a place where it couldn’t be found.
An important thing to recognize is, we can’t find what we’re looking for in the right place until we stop looking for it in the wrong place. That’s why this is Step #1.
For you, this might also mean breaking up with a partner – but maybe not. There’s nothing that says you have to be single to be your own soulmate. But as you become your own soulmate, you might discover that the partner you have is not one that your soulmate self would pick for you.
Or maybe what you need to let go of is a different kind of love relationship – like the family member who will never support you. Although you might not cut them off, it’s time to stop expecting them to change.
Contemplate this step before you move on. Where are you still looking for attention, support, or other forms of love in from people who have repeatedly demonstrated that they can’t or won’t give it? What would it take for you to stop looking there? Then take those actions.
Soulmate Step #2: Get clearer on what you want
In the meantime, I’d met someone else online, and we had a our first date that Wednesday. It turned out to also be our last date, because despite how attentive his was in our DMs, in person the guy made almost everything about himself. He did most of the talking, and when he did ask me questions he either dismissed or argued with my answers.
But then he still tried to go in for the kiss at the end of the date!
Well, at least the beer was good.
When I woke up Thursday morning, I was suddenly super clear about what I’m looking for in a guy. I also felt super clear in my commitment to not settle for anything less.
I spent a few hours re-writing the description of who I’m seeking for my dating profile. I used close to all of 4000 characters that Match.com allows. It’s a freakin’ manifesto.
Wanna read it? Here’s the part where I describe my ideal match:
Who I’m looking for: These apps treating dating like it’s a numbers game, but that’s not how manifesting works for me. I get super clear on exactly what I want (as you’ll read below) and do my thing until it shows up. I’m content to be on my own until an amazing match happens.
I’m looking for someone is ALL these things which you’re unlikely to have written about in your profile:
– You have done your inner work and will keep doing it because you understand that it is never done
– You are comfortable in your own skin, confident and kind, and don’t need anyone else to help you feel good about yourself
– You are genuinely happy
– You have a great smile and use it often.
– Your eyes light up when you talk about your favorite things.
– You take personal responsibility for how you think, feel, and act.
– In life and work, you operate in a mode of empowered action.
– You agree that your external circumstances are a result of your internal thoughts and feelings.
– You are intrigued by life deep below the surface.
– You pursue your passions but also make plenty of time for fun and love.
– You invest time, energy, and money (when applicable) into the things that are important to you. (ex.: I’m paying for my Match membership – are you?)
– You don’t need anyone to complete you, but you do desire an intimate partner to share experiences with and inspire each other to grow.
– You naturally make a woman the center of your attention when you’re with her, so that she can naturally respond in kind.
– Words of affirmation and physical touch are strong love languages for you.
– You understand the importance of first impressions, even online.
– You sense that the woman who has written this profile is unlike anyone you’ve ever met before and you feel a compelling desire to know her.
I see likes but expect messages. Show me that you’re this guy.
Pretty freakin’ clear and bold, wouldn’t you say?
I felt like a bit of a diva for posting this on my profile, but what is a diva after all? She’s someone knows what she wants and doesn’t settle for less. Perhaps we judge her because we’re still settling. Perhaps we’re afraid of the empowerment she shows us we can have too.
Meanwhile, if the guy reading it doesn’t resonate with that level of clarify, then he’s not the guy for me. It’s simple compatability.
You can write your own manifesto. List out what you desire in a partner (even if you already have one). You could even expand it to friends, co-workers, employers and employees. Use any relationship that’s prominent in your life and define what you want in that relationship. This will serve you well in Step #3, but don’t move on till you’ve finished #2.
Soulmate Step #3: Become everything that’s on your list
Ooh, did you see that coming?
Yes, becoming your own soulmate means actually doing it. Actually embodying all of the things you’ve been seeking from someone else.
Not all at once – that’s unrealistic. It’s a steady process that might take months or years. But it doesn’t have to always be slow; with focused intention, you might experience some sudden, radical shifts along the way.
The cool thing is, because you’ve done Step #2, now you know what it looks like to be your own soulmate. You’ve quantified it. And soon you’ll know what it feels like, too.
When I was writing the above “manifesto,” I had a very conscious sense that I was describing myself. I was very knowingly saying, “I want someone who’s like me in all these below-the-surface ways, because I’ve tried being with people who aren’t and it doesn’t work for me.”
I’m pleased to say that I already deliver on most of the items in my list. But that time and attention topic was definitely a hot button. When I reread the line about “make a women the center of your attention,” I felt a little triggered, and I had to look at the fact that I’d attracted two men in a row who didn’t give me the attention I desired. I had to ask myself, “Am I giving myself enough attention in the right way?”
The answer is clearly No, because that’s how Universal Law works. We attract what we are.
The beauty of that law in action is how we get to see ourselves more clearly – and that’s really the point of all this. The list you make in Step #2 probably includes a lot of things you’re not getting, which mirrors back to you all the things you need to be doing for yourself, even if you didn’t realize that until now.
For me, now I’m know that giving myself more (or better) attention is one way that I need to become a better soulmate to myself. What types of attention do I like to receive? I’m still exploring the answer in a trial-and-error kind of way.
As I get clearer on that answer, Universal Law guarantees that I will also attract a partner who does gives me the right kind of attention and we’ll connect on that level.
For you, it’s possible that your list from Step #2 is rather long. Don’t get overwhelmed; start with the one or two that you feel the most triggered/irritated/emotional about not receiving from someone else.
The more that you do this work, the less urgency you’ll feel about finding a soulmate partner – or if you’re in a relationship already, the less triggered and demanding you’ll become in that relationship. By becoming what you’re looking for, you’ll attract it into your life.
Beyond sharing these three steps, here’s one more way I can help you with this: One subconscious block that often keeps people from being their own soulmates is being unable to receive love and support, even from themselves. If that’s a block you have, I have a small but powerful healing program that helps with this called “Open to Receiving.” It’s a minor investment that can really speed up this journey to a happier and more fulfilling life. Click here to learn more about it.